Is honesty the best policy?

Most of you will agree with me that honesty is the best policy and to be honest, you will not find most honest person than me. It has gotten me into a lot of trouble, it has cost me lot of friends, got me banned from web sites, heck, my own sister is afraid of me. I do serve it as it is, with a straight face (and not just because of the medical Botox). 

Why am I  this way? I think it is just the way I am. One thing to consider is that I am the last of 3 daughters, so I needed to be able to be able to fight for myself and to be amusing for the adult company I often found myself surrounded by. Another thing to consider is that my parents really did not want a third child (an unfortunate thing I have overheard when I was about 6-7, let’s not go there), and really did not want another daughter, but to make lemonade out of the lemons they were given, my mother has decided to make me into her little companion, taking me into coffee shops and discussing astrophysics, world politcs and philosophy with me, bribing me with desserts and buying me cute little outfits (eventually leading to major shopping addiction). 

Another thing that has only added to me being brutally honest is living with crippling migraines and eventually with adrenal insufficiency (having a couple of possibly life ending adrenal crises will do that to you, when you realize that you can die at any moment). I don’t know,  suddenly,  it is really difficult for me to be all nice and ‘count to 10’ when I talk to people who don’t realize and/or appreciate how easy their life is and how I would chop off my leg just to be as healthy as they are. 

But boy-oh-boy do people hate it. They really do not like to be told the truth, they are not used to it at all. They are so used to the political correctness it is shocking.  They would be much happier if I would lie through my teeth, smile through it all and just went away, we would still be the bestest of friends. People mostly respect me, they don’t really like me. My own sister is kind of afraid of me. Why not change? I do not know, I feel like life is too short (feeling the pressure you could die the next day will do that to you, I guess) to play games, we are all adults, I am not stupid or cruel to not know when enough is enough and I will ‘lie’ when it is necessary. 

But when am I a complete sissy and will lie through my teeth? When it comes to my health. I can’t be honest when it comes to telling my loved ones how I am really feeling. For example right now I am going through a mini migraine hell, yet no one knows. My mother has no idea, my husband has no idea. I am barely coping, Every time I put our toddler for a nap I collapse on the floor and try to think (ha-ha) how to survive the next few hours until my husband gets home. Then it is just a few hours until he goes to bed and I try to sleep, or just lie down and try to relax.  I have never been honest about my health with them, I find it too scary, I don’t want them to be scared, I don’t want them to think that I am in that much pain or that I am afraid that another adrenal crisis is coming and I am afraid that I will die. 

See? I think that I am not such a tough cookie, such a bully. Deep inside, I am just a scared little girl that thinks that the best defense is one hell of an offense. Just as all the other bullies are. 


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