For the last couple of years I have tried to live a very optimistic life. I have read countless books on Buddhism, done yoga daily and really tried to be present and conscious of everything I was doing. Mindfulness was the word. Nothing would upset me, get me out of my Zen zone, I was known to be this super calm person. ‘Calm blue ocean’ was the mantra.
Then, after our son was born, a year and a half ago, and my OCD kicked in big time, all of it went away. While I was still in Canada, for the first 6 months of his life, it was kind of ok, I had his grandparents to help, which was just unbelievably great and I will be forever grateful. But when I got back to Russia to join my husband I just turned into this miserable, negative person I don’t recognize.
And I hate it (see, here it is again, ‘hate’…), I can’t stand being this way. So what do I do? I spend all of my energy, every single day, pretending that I still am my former optimistic self and that nothing has changed. I know that everyone knows that the smile is not as genuine most of the time, but most people are too busy to really notice that anything is off. My hubby, bless his soul, is a typical guy, and doesn’t really notice these kinds of things and will happily take a fake smile. My parents, who only see me on Skype every weekend are too focused on the little one to really notice me, so again, I am good there. And I don’t interact with anyone else. I don’t have any friends here.
So while previously I might have needed only a dose of Zen here and there, now I need it like every nanosecond. What has changed? Was it the baby? No, the baby has nothing to do with it. I love that little boy (although it took me a long time to look at him and feel love-love, not just I have to take care of you kind of love). I think the bad aftercare I have received following the C-section and all the health issues that followed and never stopped leaving me to be in constant pain at this point are making it difficult for me to be genuinely happy and optimistic. I am also no longer happy being here, in Russia. I see my husband not being happy at work as well, only sucking it up because this will allow us to have everything we have ever dreamed of once we get back home.
I do not want to be a miserable person, that is not who I am. And I hope that I will get back to my old self really soon. And in the meantime do not mind me pretending. 😉